7 Ways to Prepare For Marriage

Recently engaged or newly married? What does it look like to prepare for marriage outside of planning a wedding?

Spoiler: The purpose of engagement isn’t to plan a wedding. While that happens during an engagement, it’s not the purpose. There’s a reason you don’t go right from dating to married. It is a transition in your commitment and that also means in your conversations.

“This is what engagement or courtship is designed for: maximum exposure to what each of you thinks, believes, feels, does habitually or occasionally — no secrets, nothing held back. You don’t want marriage to be based on ignorance, but on trust in the face of all truth.” – John Piper

Preparation for marriage is going to look different for everyone. I am absolutely no expert, but I can share with you what Teddy and I specifically found helpful over the last few years.

#1 – The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

We purchased a copy of this book for each of us around the time we got engaged. We would read a chapter and then check in about once a month. We ended up pausing for a bit and then just finishing it together on Audible during the first year of marriage. We would take time between chapters to talk and reflect on how the content we just learned may impact us for the future.

#2 – The 5 Love Languages + Online Quiz – I have read the book in the past and so rather than both of us reading the book together, we instead did the online assessment but talked the questions together as the other was taking it. We did this prior to getting engaged and found it really helpful to see what showed up for us and also recognizing what we didn’t value as much.

#3 – Fairplay Cards

I haven’t read the book yet, but we found the cards and online resource to be helpful to designate chore owners. You pull out all 100 of the chore cards and then discard any that don’t apply in your relationship. We probably discarded half. Then you deal the cards based on what you each prefer, what you’re available to do, and what you’re capable of. If you “own” a card, you are responsible for planning the task and carrying it out. You review the minimum standard of care as a couple and determine what you can both agree on for what the minimum is for doing a chore. This is a very helpful conversation as often times your standard is based on how you were raised or not raised and you will have different preferences. Teddy and I have adjusted some of the chores over time and “adjusted ownership”. We keep the cards we own in an envelope so we can “re-deal” them as needed.

#4 – Relationship Goals series from Craig Groeschel

We listened to this 4 part series over a few different weeks. This is where we initially started the conversation about what our mission as a couple is and learned the difference between a commitment and covenant. This series has had a major impact on our marriage.

#5 – Check Ins

We started these during our engagement as I shared here and they’ve been so impactful. We’ve adjusted the questions as we moved from engagement to marriage but the impact has only grown over time. This has been such a helpful check in point for us to talk about small things before they become bigger issues.

#6 – Date Nights

Outside of check ins, these have been another an important part of our relationship. The day to day can become routine and lose novelty, and so trying to do fun and new things (ex: glass blowing and pottery) has been a great way to have fun together and both feel stretched outside of what’s comfortable. While some of our dates are easy going like a movie or a walk, we try to instill some adventure into them as well.

#7 – Having Conversations

Engagement is the time for having the hard conversations and making sure you understand the other person’s values and hopes for the future. Using a guide like this one can be so helpful in preparing for marriage. Conversations avoided now just lead to potential frustrations, resentment, and even disagreements later. While Teddy and I had so many intentional conversations, we could have been even better. Looking at this list now, I’m thinking wow, we should revisit some of these in the upcoming months.