On Perfectionism

If you have spent time with me or read my blogs, you likely would never call me a “perfectionist” (hello spelling and grammar errors). And that’s surely not something I’ve labeled myself. On the rare occasion I find myself being overly focused on putting out a perfect product, I’ve have to ask myself, “Why is perfect such a big deal here?”

Through some tough self reflection I come to the same conclusion that Julia Cameron shares in her book, The Artist’s Way when she says – “To the perfectionist, there is always room for improvement. The perfectionist calls this humility. In reality, it is egotism.”

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Let’s first start with a shared definition. Perfectionism refers to the tendency to set excessively high standards for oneself and others.

Do you see how from the start, we’re set up for disappointment? That perfection is a race we’ll never win because there’s no finish line since perfection doesn’t exist? The pursuit of perfection is the pursuit of impossible.

Put another way, Jaemin Frazer in his book The One Minute Coach shares, “Someone who has perfectionist behavior has never actually decided what standard they’re reaching for. All they are aware of is that their current performance is not good enough: The house is not clean enough, the assignment hasn’t been written well enough, they haven’t spend enough kids, or they haven’t worked hard enough. The only time they stop doing a task is when an external deadline forces them to.”

So how do you know if you’re a perfectionist? First, you might already know. But if you’re unsure, take a look at the list below. Do any of these stick out to you? Do you find yourself in these habits or ways of thinking regularly?

Setting Unrealistic Goals – Goals with no margin for error or goals that aren’t even possible in the first place are set.
Being critical – Small mistakes are a really big deal and they are incredibly hard on themselves for it. This can also apply to being critical of others as well.
Seeking Regular Reassurance – Asking friends, family members, or mentors for reassurance to help manage their anxiety
Over-identification with achievements – If they’re not achieving through external measurements (salary, degree, grades) or seen as an achiever, they may label themselves a failure.
Extreme Thinking – All or nothing thinking can occur where if you can’t do it perfectly you question what the point of trying may be. This extreme perspective can also be a focus on there being only one “right” answer and getting caught in self criticism rather than recognizing there’s likely multiple good solutions and to try to identify which one is best in the scenario.

If you found that you could relate to one or two, or even all of these, it’s okay. Being aware is the key part to moving forward. But we can’t avoid calling it what it is.

Brene Brown puts it this way, “Perfectionism is armor. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence and it’s not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”

We don’t want to be defensive people. We don’t want to be armored. We want to be seen and known and heard. But when we armor up, we don’t let other people in. Perfectionism not only impacts ourselves, but others as well. It can impact our time, our energy, our health, and our relationships. Here’s just a few ways it shows up.

Time Management – Because the focus is on perfection, someone may procrastinate, fixate on getting something just perfect, or find other ways to self sabotage.
Relationships – Being critical of others in a relationship is great recipe for healthy relationships.
Stress – Burnout is often linked to desire for perfectionism. So is just overall depletion of energy before you get to the burnout phase. If you’re constantly critical of yourself, that becomes a stressful environment to be in.
Mental/Physical Health Issues – Chronic fatigue, stress, anxiety, and other internal health issues can occur when there’s a focus on being perfect. There’s no room for error which creates more stress and then anxiety and worry and it it becomes a really unhealthy cycle.

So what do you do? How do you overcome or at least try to focus on progress and not perfection? There’s probably quite a few ways to do this but here’s those I’ve found to be most helpful.

Call It What It Is – Call it ego, armor, a mask. Don’t fall into the trap of saying “I just have really high standards”.
Name It When It’s Happening – When you’ve rewritten that line in the email for the 18th time or cleaned that same bathroom for the 4th time, call yourself out on it. This is perfection raring it’s ugly head. Name it in the moment and remind yourself perfection doesn’t exist.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Wallow – Looking back at a mistake you made and thinking about how to prevent that it the future can be helpful. But there’s a time when you’re just wallowing in it and being critical rather than moving forward.
Compare Standards – What’s the standard for others on the team or in the family? What is the expectation of how something gets done? Are you being unrealistic and putting too much pressure on yourself or others? Get a comparison to help you calibrate.
Ask for Help – Ask someone you trust to help you notice when these things are happening. Maybe it’s a spouse, colleague, or friend. Ask them to kindly point out that you’re getting caught up in the perfectionism cycle again.
Focus on Progress – Rather than focusing on the days you didn’t do something, count up the days you did. Maybe it’s a habit of exercise or reading or drinking water. Just because you may have missed the exact goal doesn’t mean your progress doesn’t count.
Recognize that You’re Enough – Growing and developing is important, but so is recognizing that you, exactly where you are in this moment, is exactly enough. And you must start from a place of recognizing that first before you move forward.

Whether you feel like you can heavily relate to this perfectionism cycle or just a few things stuck out, spend some time reflecting. What resonated and why? Where has perfectionism held you back? What might be a helpful next step for you to take in the next 24 hours to step out of perfectionism and into humility?

I’m serious. Think about a small baby step you can take to move forward.

Got it?

Good. Now go on and do it. And remember – progress over perfection.